When you come back to it you can do better. Now you can play parts and take sides just for the sake of it. Just like others had been doing when you had walked away disgusted. The meaning is not important and the lack of it is not sad. The absurdity becomes funny. The dances are easy but acting is still a difficult job. To be a son, a brother, a darling and a hero and knowing all the while that you are none and that you care about being none. To laugh, to cry, to sympathize, to talk and to listen while all you feel is a spite. To play your part in this amplified drama of drug induced emotions and to pursue the repetitive happiness. All of it is still difficult. Maybe one gets it with time like everybody else does. Maybe one learns to pride oneself in being able to solve jigsaw puzzles, irrespective of the importance of the jigsaw puzzles. Maybe one reconciles to the fact that to do something new is not possible and so one dreams about scales and magnitudes.
And don’t get me wrong I am not acting smart. I don’t wish to reap all goodness and still remain ungrateful. I am not trying to enjoy all of it and still pretend to be aloof. I have come to it for refuge and I need it. It intoxicates me and I love it.
Hi Sush,
ReplyDeleteGood work. I liked it a lot. It felt like you gave words to some of my unsaid nebulous feelings.
"The meaning is not important and the lack of it is not sad." I don't know why but i still feel sadness for this lack of meaning, i somehow believe that there is some meaning out there (or inside)and i just don't know it. This ignorance sometimes makes me sad, sometimes irresponsible and sometimes aloof. May be someday i too will realize that this meaning has no importance. Till then i try to enjoy this absurdity.
"I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on....."
"When you come back to it you can do better." yeah. rather than keep looking at it all with spite. And we need it because it is only then that our awareness feels important, which we love so much.
ReplyDeleteYou write as if transparent.
Wow! You have some golden lines here. Sometimes its hard to pen down our thoughts because we just dont seem to find the right words. But I guess it comes naturally to you. Its amazing how you come up with these metaphors.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you have broken down the fourth wall...
ReplyDelete